How Soon Should You Know If He's the One?

If you are a feminine entity you’re going to be attracted to masculine qualities. The more feminine you are the stronger this pull will be and the less you should trust the attraction. (Same is true for healers and men with “potential”).

On the other end of the spectrum are men who feel like decent people, but who you don’t feel a sexual spark with. The feeling may be comfortable, moderately interesting, they’re not giving you a reason to say “Hell no!” but you’re not hoping to find a faster way to get physical even after the 3rd date.

Here’s my suggestions for the fastest way to move through dating opportunities to get to “The One”:

1. Accept dates from people who you’re genuinely interested to get to know more about based on their dating profile and/or their energy in their interactions leading up to meeting in person.

If all you’re doing is filling an empty spot in the calendar and you’re thinking, “Why not?” you’re much more likely to spend energy you’ll be disappointed by and if the experience is a real bust it will take you away from being available for a “Hell yes!” that you might miss.

2. Generally any man who doesn’t make your engine rev by the 3rd date is unlikely to because he carries few or low masculine qualities.

The men who push for a faster physical interaction than you’re feeling for them in return may have masculine qualities, but are not going to prove to be emotionally safe because they don’t know how to create a safe sensual space, their priority still reflects a need to act on a basic urge.

3. If you’re both feeling a wild chemistry for each other with little experience of who each other is in the mundane parts of life or before you’ve had a challenging or uncomfortable conversation, you’re likely both responding to very powerful complimentary pheromones that are evolution's way of combining genetics.

Do what you will with this, but realize you’re wired to ignore safety in all forms - emotional, reproductive, health, financial etc.

Essentially you’re both responding like horny teenagers, but because you’re both adults there are no other adults to throw up boundaries or rescue you from your choices.

4. If there’s no excitement or interest after any time you meet in person, I’d suggest you don’t don’t go back for more.

Relationships take a tremendous amount of energy to be worth a decades long partnership.

If someone isn’t uniquely interesting, desirable, mature and impressive in how they handle what’s uncomfortable and you end up choosing them because of familiarly or convenience, you can be years or decades in before you realize they might be exciting enough for a lifetime with someone else, but now they’re just starting to wear on you.

No amount of relationship counseling or “spicing up the relationship” will change or fix this.

5. You don’t want “pretty good” or “close enough”. You don’t want “They’re amazing on this thing someone from my past wasn’t”. And you don’t even want “They’re the best lover I’ve ever had!”

(You don’t want someone who doesn’t make you want to come back for more either).

You must give yourself permission to have a list that’s incredibly specific to you (and that you have been told by men that you offer the complimentary quality in return).

6. I encourage people dating to meet highly interesting people with no expectations other than discovering what makes them tick.

Assume that even most interesting people will only hold your interest for one or two conversations.

Meet with people again only if you are genuinely intrigued by a quality about them - not necessarily sexual attraction, any quality you’re really curious to learn more about is fine.

If there’s no chemistry by the third date (first meeting with someone I don’t see as a date), be clear about this so they can decide if they want to invest time in a new friend or if they want that time free to look for someone romantically.

If you sense them leaning into the sexual or romantic space at all after that, the more they lean in, lean back and take space. If it doesn’t stop, cut it off.

7. If there’s mutual attraction on multiple levels including sexual, before you engage in sexual activity, have some real direct and candid conversations about subjects including sexuality that feel awkward and uncomfortable and see if your emotional chemistry can handle and/or resolve triggering dynamics.

8. If they’re a genuinely interesting human being you’d spend time with even if you’re not sleeping together, if there’s an easy enjoyable sexual chemistry and if you’ve gotten uncomfortable around a few topics, incidents or probing conversations and you’re more impressed by how they resolved elevated tension you’ll know you have a great long term relationship prospect.

9. Now is when you begin to actually lean in a little more and a little more towards the things most people avoid because it “spoils the mood”. Little by little you alternate between great experiences and deeper more challenging conversations.

A woman’s standard for exclusivity generally precedes a man’s. That’s fine. An emotionally mature man isn’t going to push this piece - but don’t push him on the exclusivity conversation either.

So he’s not pushing you for sex and you’re not pushing him for exclusivity - whether you have sex before this is up to the two of you.

10. Once an emotionally mature man has observed a woman experience elevated or irrational emotions and seen her handle her own elevated state in a way that he didn’t think was possible, it’s almost guaranteed he’s going to let her know he’s decided that he wants to be exclusive with her.

This means is you’re holding things in and being “perfect” so you don’t scare him off he won’t have a chance to observe how you handle life when you’re overwhelmed and until he knows he can trust this version of you to be safe, he can’t know you’re different from other women.

11. Commitment is the same for a man as exclusivity - he’ll offer it when he’s seen enough to know he feels you’re a woman who he could potentially go the distance with.

Don’t ask. Don’t pressure.

If he’s not constantly giving indications that he’s moving in that direction, you can lean back or even let go.

Men have a different process of arriving at the big decisions (exclusivity, commitment, partnership) and if they’re pushed will more likely give you your answer than their own truth. That’s a terrible foundation for next steps and virtually impossible to go back and rebuild.

12. Bottom line - someone is either impressing you more and more every day you know them or they’re revealing the work they need to do to be relationship ready. And equally - every day they're getting to know you they're seeing the person you're choosing to be growing and evolving in remarkable ways.

Anyone wanting a lifetime partnership will need to be doing the work to actually take on personal and life challenges whether or not they’re in a relationship or someone is challenging them.