Even A Conscious Man Can Be Clueless

Even conscious men can be dense and insensitive; we're all wired to drive for the win. What's different about a conscious man is how he defines his win. 

If he's conscious, your win is his win and the one that matters most. If he argues with you about who's right, he's not listening and he's not conscious. 

Your feelings are always valid. In fact, your feelings are more valid than his facts - and last night my facts and Her feelings didn't line up. 

"It's FINE! I know what I'm doing!" I was saying loudly in my own head. 

We're already late and I've brilliantly figured out a way around the two hour traffic jam. Sure - it's through back roads covered in gravel and we're eating the dust of the cars in front of us, but I'll pass them soon enough...

WHAT?! You don't want me to pass them because it's a gravel road??? That's exactly WHY I'm passing them!

JUST TRUST ME! I've done this all my life - I'm a semi pro off road expert, didn't you know?

So there she is, covering her eyes as I pass on the gravel road - that we've never been on - in the dark - actually two vehicles in a row - through the fog of dust - at midnight - in a mini van - loaded with everything from our vacation - 5 kids asleep in the back. 

I'm demonstrating the impressive skills of a Baha 1000 race car driver mastered over decades and hundreds of hours of off road practice and she's not the least bit impressed. In fact, while I'm mentally celebrating being three out of one thousand people not stuck in gridlock, you'd think she just has a near death moment!

My job (getting us home alive as fast as possible) has been accomplished brilliantly and she's not saying anything as we unload the van - while hundreds of other families are stuck on the highway - at midnight - in the smoke from the forest fire. 

We get into bed, and I finally take a moment to relax my energy and ask sincerely, "What did you need back there?" 

"I don't know how to ask so you can hear me," Jenn says. "Couldn't you hear how concerned I was when I asked if you were thinking of passing those two vehicles?"

"Of course. That's why I asked you to be quiet so I could concentrate while I passed them," I replied. 
.
"And I was quiet. I didn't say anything. Wasn't that what you wanted?" she said and I could feel her fighting back tears. 

"You were great, but obviously I missed something because you weren't very happy with my driving, even though I know I was being safe - so what did I miss?" I asked, doing my best to be genuinely open and sensitive. 

"Do you remember me telling you about the accident I was in with my cousin on a gravel road?" she asked, the tears no longer held back. 
.
My "Mr. Hero" feeling completely vanished and was instantly replaced with "Mr. Insensitive." I'd done my best, but I realized I needed to do better. 
.
I began again, "You know what I've got to do? I've got to realize your feelings are always about something that's real to you, and instead of brushing them aside, take the time to understand them, even if it means slowing down my rush to the 'win' because if I win alone, it's really no win at all," I said feeling I should have had more respect for her fear that I had so obviously ignored. 

"So I'm going to do better with that. I'm going to assume your feelings are based on your truth and take the time to understand you instead of ignoring or judging you for being sensitive. I'm sorry that what I did scared you. I always want you to feel safe," I committed. 

Dense - maybe. 
Defensive - not if he's conscious.