Second Chances

If I could go back in time I would love my kids harder, cherish more of life's special moments and give the world the magical parts of me I was afraid to show because I didn't want to be rejected or hurt.

If I could go back in time I'd have the courage to leave my ex sooner. I stayed because I thought I was giving my kids what they needed. I didn't want my kids to be from a broken home, even the words 'broken home' sent a shot of pure panic through my entire body.

Long after I knew that things were off, unhealthy and even toxic I stayed. I was stuck because I was scared, and that scared part of me hade me take a really long time to make the hard choices.

What if he met someone after me and gave her all the things I longed from him? What if my greatest fears came true? What if all along it really was me and he WAS in fact capable of love, compassion and kindness?

I didn't want to face failure, the unknown or the feeling of being replaced. I didn't want to have to share my kids, risk losing them, risk rejection if they chose him (or the future her) over me.

I didn't want to share my kids at Christmas or face awkward grads, birthdays or wedding celebrations where the 'original' family and 'new' family are forced to mingle.

There are many reasons I stayed, but looking back I really wish I hadn't. I lost years of growth, and years of my life because I stayed, I settled, I allowed myself to remain stuck. THIS truth had been the hardest for me to accept, wrap my head around and let go.

The woman I am now wouldn't stay, even for a moment. The current me understands why I stayed, but she has had a really hard time accepting that it took so many years to figure it out. So what do we do with the guilt of this lost time and how our indecision cost us and our kids?

I took a lot of time forgiving myself, understanding myself, accepting I messed things up and that there is no way of going back in time to change it. I had to own it and decide to do whatever it took to model consciousness to my children NOW.

I wasn't the best version of myself and therefore I wasn't the best mom I could have been for my two kids who are adults now. I was trying so hard to be the best wife and hold our family unit together. I believed that if I could make US work THEY would be ok.

Realizing I couldn't give that time back, I wrote letters to my former self and each of my now adult children asking for forgiveness for the things I felt I had done wrong.

It's never too late to change, to face our deepest fears, look at past mistakes and do better the moment we know better.

You don't have to feel stuck or live with feelings of guilt and you don't need to move forward alone. Don't use up another moment of your life regretting the past.