Is This What You Call 'Love'

It feels so good to soothe and be soothed. I describe this to my children as two individuals with holes in their hearts who push their hearts together to stop the bleeding rather than fixing the two holes. And what happens when the soothing one wounded heart provides is distracted by another issue in life? The heart they've been soothing feels abandoned. 

I see these memes a lot, poetic descriptions of love or consciousness by those who half-grasp and half-live the concept. But just like with men, it's more important to judge an author's life results than the words they write. I've seen a few philosophers living the dream, and what's the basis of truth, if not the evidence of one's life?

(BTW, if kids are part of your ideal life, advice from someone who doesn't have two or more vibrant, productive, independent adult children is not going to be based on all the information you'll need). 

Therapists don't pour themselves into their clients' pain and wounds, they hold space for the individual to do the work. This is the opposite of virtually all relationships where we attempt to provide soothing and therapy to our partner's pain. 

We've all done it, joined our wounded heart to another, only to find that health issues, family dynamics, finances or debates of children tear apart hearts that were joined in less demanding and more idyllic times. Real life and actual responsibilities shatter the illusion, yet many people fight for years to get the illusion back. 

Our wounds are absolutely not the place for a partner to soothe and pour their love into. We pour ourselves into someone else's wounds or pain because it's easier than doing the work of healing our own. 

Jenn and I repeat this part of our message over and over - your wounds are not another person's responsibility to accept, tolerate, soothe or 'love.' It's our wounds that create addiction - to drama, limiting beliefs, food, escapism, wine, or whatever. You don't want a man showing up partially bleeding out, and a conscious man will feel the same about who he will choose. 

If your heart is still tuned into the sentiment of this meme, it likely means there's pain that's been too uncomfortable to face or no one has been able to provide an answer to. That doesn't mean a relationship is the cure, it means that the partners you attract will have the same size wound and you'll each be settling for a casualty to attempt to nurse your wounds together. 

Instead, why not find someone who is whole - a mentor or maybe a therapist (who is whole, lots of wounded therapists sadly) but take the time to do the work to heal your wounds (not burry them again).

What Jenn and I have is the result of years of hard work before we met and a solid two years of even harder work - on ourselves, not 'the relationship' - to get to a place where we are living a life that many say they want for themselves. 

If you want it, you need to invest in doing that work so that the most magnificent version of you is what exists even under pressure. That version of you is what effortlessly attracts a man who has done the same. 

We're not supposed to do it alone, but our therapist can't be in the form of a partner. If you don't have someone in your personal life who is living the model of life you're looking for, seek out a professional mentor and work with them to get the answers you need and your momentum started.